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PMS. She’s a Witch. (The Kind with a B)

December 12, 2011 by 1 Comment

So every few weeks, I get into this strange mood where absolutely everything and anything bugs the crud out of me, and even though I know I should just let the nail polish spilled all over the bathroom by Thing 2 go, I end up softly banging my head on the wall while counting backwards from 100.

Then I remember that I’m a chick and I have hormones. So I pour a glass of wine and lock myself in the bedroom while the children proceed to absolutely destroy the house and I attempt to regain my sanity. As a warning, I might even g-chat Leif at work:

I am nothing if not considerate.

Then Ashley will ping me with some fascinating factoid about the dangers of sex swings (so she’s heard*) and how real friends will help you move bodies. In five-inch heels. In the mud. Everyone should have a friend like Ashley. But you can’t have her. She’s mine. Go find your own Ashley.

See? I’m totally moody. And apparently possessive.

Then Larry will ping me and tell me that my segment on his show is popular, and that will cheer me up, and also remind me that I have actual work I need to be doing, like writing about the crazy train that is Glenn Beck, but then the kids need feeding, cleaning, and tucking into bed, which requires another glass of wine and not a small number of deep breaths and then they’re down and wow two glasses of wine when I forgot to have lunch is a bit much so maybe I’ll make a sandwich first because I’m obsessed with sandwiches and that sounds perfect and tasty and delicious — and oh my gosh just go to bed and stay there!**

Finally finally finally get the kids settled (I think they were a wee bit skeered of Mean Mommy), sandwich made and consumed, and sat down at my computer. And then this post came out of my head instead of the one I was supposed to write.

I was going to write more (maybe) but Leif just came home. With more wine.

I’m outs.

*Don’t worry Ashley’s mom. It was purely contextual, I swear.

**This is what us professional writers call a run-on sentence. I’m using it purely as an example here of what you should never do when writing professionally. Or something.

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Filed Under: Glamlife, Parenting, Personal · Tagged With: , , , , ,

I Totally Missed Christmas Last Year

October 22, 2011 by 1 Comment

No really, I did. We got the decorations up, the kids got gifts, we made the rounds to all the various relatives within driving distance … but I missed Christmas. I remember sometime in late February or early March, sitting down to catch my breath, and thinking to myself, “Ok, I’m ready for Christmas now!”

I’m not sure what it was, other than having a two-year-old at home with me, being the Class Mom for the second-grader (and all the scholastic frivolity that includes during the holiday season), and picking up several extra posts over at The Stir because so many of their more regular writers were on vacation … Oh, and coordinating the Christmas Tea Party for the ladies in my church.

I was kinda slammed last December.

This year, I’m determined to enjoy every gosh dern second of the magical holiday season. I think I’ll even take a class on wreath making. Because when would that skill not come in handy? Wreath making is a trade, people! It employs elves at the North Pole almost year round.

It’s only October, yet I’m already kindling my Christmas Mojo. The day after Thanksgiving, I’ll put some Bing Crosby holiday music on, pull out the decorations, make hot cocoa for the girls, and go to town decorating our plastic tree because we can’t have a real one since Leif is allergic to everything that grows.

But before Christmas is Thanksgiving, and before that is Halloween, and a certain eight-year-old of mine wants to be Dani Phantom. Of course she does. And that was only her second choice; her first was to be an actual ghost. Nope, not dress up like one, but actually be one.

I love that kid. I love her so much that I’ll make her a dang Dani Phantom costume. Because I love that she wants to be a kick-butt ghostly crime fighter. Maybe I’ll teach her how to make wreaths this December. She’s going to have mad job skyllz by the time I’m done raising her.

Any suggestions for how I can make her glow?

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Filed Under: Holidays, Parenting, Personal · Tagged With: , , ,

Elsewhere On the Internet (and an Early Morning Story)

October 17, 2011 by Leave a Comment

It’s 5:15 a.m. and I’m awake. I’ve been waking up at 4 recently, unable to go back to bed after my third bathroom trip of the night (thank you, childbirth) because by that time I’m no longer exhausted enough to drown out my darling husband’s snores with sleepiness.

Side note: Isn’t snoring the worst sound in the world? Ok, maybe the third worst, following nails on a chalkboard and cats in a blender. Not that I’ve ever heard cats in a blender. But I can imagine, and it’s not pretty.

Sometimes I can jam earplugs in and throw a pillow over my head and find a couple more hours of elusive rest. But I’ve had this cold recently, and the stuffy nose and the cough and poor tender head make me ache while I wait for the meds to kick in, and by the time they do … I’m pretty much awake.

By the time the clock hit five, I knew I was done, so I threw the covers off and headed down the hall to write this very post. The light was on. Huh. Strange. Stranger still was the sound of the TV. Ok, no longer strange.

Here’s what I found:

This little goober didn’t go to sleep until nearly eleven last night, even though she was put to bed before nine. It was the same old But I Need game, which (I’m pretty sure) children have played since the dawn of time. You know the one.

But I need a drink!

But I need to go potty!

But I need my night light!

But I need socks that don’t bother my feet!

But I need a hug!

But I need a different song on the ipod!

But I need to be tucked back in!

You get the idea. Anyway, my little non-sleeper was out in the living room watching TV. Which she is not allowed to do on school days. Apparently, she thought that rule only applied to afternoons and evenings, so she forced herself awake after six precious hours of sleep to enjoy some tunes.

New rule: No getting up until 6:30.

Except for Leif. If he wants to get up pre-crack of dawn and leave me to sleep in peace … I’d be ok with that. Love you, Honey!

So I wrote some stuff last week that I’d love for you to read. Click, read, comment, share – especially share. Word-of-mouth is where it’s at, baby. Plus, I really can’t afford fancy advertising. It’s ‘spensive.

The Occupy Wall Street goons are still on display. President Barack Obama feels their pain and understands their frustration. Iran thinks they’re swell. Iran also stones rape victims for ‘sexual immorality.’ As a general rule, I like not to agree with Iran on pretty much everything.

Obama called Mitt Romney a flip-flopping flip-flopper, which is completely true, of course. However, there’s this saying that come to mind about glass houses and throwing stones…

Priorities in Topeka are messed up, y’all. Social welfare programs and inflated benefits and pensions are not more important than legally protecting victims of domestic abuse.

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Filed Under: 2012, Big Government, Economy, Elections, Glamlife, Law Enforcement, Leif, Life, Marriage, Obama, Parenting, Personal, Politicians, Sharia, The Stir, Weekly Roundup, Welfare · Tagged With: , , , ,

Sicky Stream of Consciousness

October 14, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Did Top 7 with Ashley today hopped up on cold meds because I caught Thing 2’s first preschool cold. I was trying to explain cloture, but since it’s totally boring and procedural, I replaced the word ‘cloture’ with the word ‘boobs.’ Way more entertaining that way.

Thankfully, Thing 2 was feeling better today, so she went back to preschool for the first time in a week. But now Thing 1 is sick, and has been out of school since Tuesday afternoon anyway, because there were parent-teacher conferences on Wednesday, and teacher in-service yesterday and today.

By the way, Thing 1 is a delight to have in class, especially with her engaging story-telling. Plus she’s not flunking out of Mandarin, so yay!

But given that Leif worked from home last Friday, it’s now been eight days since I’ve been at home by myself. Which is probably why I think I’m going to try to go to Vegas next week for at least part of the Western Republican Leadership Conference.

I did get to go out downtown last night, which was fun. I met up with a twitter friend, Debbie, who was in town on business. She does something super smart for the Navy, like Leif does. Only I don’t really know what either of them do. Something with sharks and laser beams attached to their heads, I’m sure.

I played with guns this week. Well, a gun, and I didn’t even really get to play with it — just hold it. My dad and brother bought some new toys (Mosin-Nagants to be exact), and let me hold one. My dad told me to pose with it, and true story, I put the butt on my shoulder like a bazooka. I’ve watched True Lies too many times, obviously. Next up: Actually learning to shoot one of those suckers.

And now I have to officially get back to serious writing. Heh. That sounds so stern and maybe even scholarly. That’s not me. I guess I should say time to get back to writing political op-ed. There. Now I  sound totally cool.

Actually, now I probably sound like the time in eighth grade when I thought I was cool because I was the flag team captain. Yup, I’ve always been this awesome.

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Filed Under: Glamlife, Parenting, Personal · Tagged With: , , ,

Witnessing in the World: A Lesson from a Birthday Party

October 6, 2011 by 1 Comment

The most ridiculous attempt at a family photo in the history of photography. And families.

My sweet precious firstborn baby girl turned eight years old last week. Holy crap I’m getting old. One of the disadvantages to having kids so young is that I don’t get to lie about my age. Um, yeah, I was 12 when I had her, that’s it…

But this post is not about me, or the wrinkle between my eyebrows that I’m pretty sure Thing 1 is responsible for. Nope, this post is about my newly minted eight-year-old, her fantastic party, and her wonderful friends.

All summer long, Thing 1 proclaimed her desire for a) a Pump It Up party and/or b) a surprise party. Pump It Up is this awesome party place filled with those giant bounce house and obstacle course inflatables, then they give the kids pizza, and when it’s time to go, you gladly hand them a small fortune and one of your kidneys because you get to leave and they clean up the mess.

In order to accomplish both of these tasks, I told my 7-and-three-quarters-year-old that she could not in any way, shape, or form have a Pump It Up Party unless she got a job and paid for it herself, and that she probably wouldn’t be having a fancy a party this year, since I had a trip planned and wouldn’t be home until the day before her birthday.

A few weeks before the Big Day, I booked the Pump It Up party for the day OF her birthday. Then I sent out an evite to the parents of her entire 3rd grade class, telling them to ohmygosh please keep it a secret because Thing 1 was dying for a surprise party. Altogether we had eighteen third graders and one little sister.

On Monday morning, I reassured the birthday girl that I’d be coming to her class at snack time with cupcakes, and that Daddy would be home early from work, and she could pick where to go for dinner. She seemed ok about not having a party. My kid is awesome, y’all.

After round one of Operation Sugar Kids Up, the kids all headed out to recess, and the teacher quietly and excitedly asked me, “Is she really having a surprise party after school? The kids keep coming up and whispering to me not to tell her about her party!”

I did a mental head-desk … I wouldn’t even have told my kid about it, worried she wouldn’t be able to keep the secret. Oh well, nothing I could do about it.

Thing 1 and Friends

A few hours later, I was back at school, picking up the sweetie pie. I had gone to the store with Thing 2 to pick up cake and ice cream, which I stowed under some beach towels in the front seat. Thing 2 (age 3) happily proclaimed to her sister, “We got you birf-day cake!” And then she looked at me like I was insane when I said that we had not, but we could maybe later. “But we got dah cake,” she insisted. I ignored her and turned up the Kids’ Bop.

When we got to the party place, Leif and my mom were already there waiting for us. Thing 1 took it all in slowly… “Wait, why are we at Pump It Up? Is that Gramma? And Daddy? What are they doing here? Mommy…?”

I parked and looked at her and said, “Happy birthday, baby.”

“YOU MEAN I GET TO GO TO PUMP IT UP FOR MY BIRTHDAY???”

“Yup. AND all of your friends will be here in a few minutes for your birthday party.”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!” I’m still a little deaf in my left ear from that scream. And will forever be amazed that her friends all kept the secret. Chickadee had no clue what was up my sleeve.

No way was I going to miss out on the fun!

So basically, I’m like the coolest mom evah, and Thing 1 died from happiness, came back to life, and then died again. But again, this post is not about me, and it’s not even necessarily about a birthday party.

It’s about how our everyday interactions affect those around us, and how living a Christ-centered life is a witness to the world.

When the kids were playing on one of the climbing inflatables, they started to get a little bit rowdy. The referee/party supervisor looked on with what looked like a worried expression. “You can totally blow your whistle at them if they’re being too rough,” I reassured him. I’m not exactly what you’d call a helicopter parent.

“No, they’re fine,” he said, “It’s just strange… I’ve never seen anything like it before… they’re helping each other climb to the top.”

“Well what do kids normally do?” Inquiring minds wanted to know.

“Pull each other down!” He said with good humor. He asked, “These kids are classmates?”

“Yup. The go to the private Christian school over the hill. They’re a pretty tight group.”

I’ve mentioned before that Thing 1 goes to a school that we like very much and sacrifice quite a bit for in order to send her there. It uses a classical approach to learning that you can learn all about by reading Dorothy Sayers’ The Lost Tools of Learning.

Anyway, there was that exchange, and one later in the ‘party room’ after the pizza had been handed out. Someone asked if they could eat, and the party supervisor said yes. “Wait!” I shouted to the kids, “what do we do before we eat?”

Time for Pizza and Prayer

“PRAY!” said every single one of those eighteen children. So we bowed our heads and blessed our food while the employees of Pump It Up looked on in amazement. I heard more than once that afternoon that this group of kids was one of the greatest they’d ever had in. I was glad they got to see the fruit of parents raisings kids in a Christ-centered life.

Parenting is rough, and some days I hold on by tenuous threads, but days like Thing 1’s birthday give me fuel to keep on trucking. They remind me of why I do this thing called motherhood – because God trusted me with these kids (for some strange reason), and it’s my job to teach them to love and honor Him in all that they do.

How we treat others and how we raise our children are our constant testimonies to the world. Show people that faith in Christ isn’t weird or backwards or inhibiting, but a way to live so that our children build each other up instead of tearing one another down.

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” –JC

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Filed Under: It's For the Kids, Parenting, Personal, Religion, Uncategorized · Tagged With: , ,

Children’s Book Giveaway!

September 27, 2011 by 16 Comments

My friend Amelia Hamilton wrote a super cool children’s book called One Nation Under God: A Book For Little Patriots. It teaches some basic facts about the founding of our awesome and amazing country in clever verse along with some great artwork. It is endorsed by myself, and more importantly, Thing 1 and Thing 2. Even Leif likes it!

To get a good feel for what this book is about, read Amelia’s Behind-the-Scenes story on Big Hollywood.

In my possession, I have two signed copies of One Nation Under God. One is staying right here, because it’s become a favorite bedtime story. The other one will go to one of my eight lucky readers! To enter, leave a comment telling me which little patriot in your life will love this book. If you’re just entering to get Amelia’s signature so you can forge checks, don’t tell me. I don’t want to be liable.

No entries after midnight Friday PST. Winner will be chosen at random. As always, don’t blame me if you lose. Blame the machines.

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Filed Under: Big Hollywood, Giveaway, It's For the Kids, Parenting · Tagged With:

The Finish Line

September 10, 2011 by 1 Comment
Thing 2 & Jenny Xmas 2009

My favorite picture of Thing 2 and me, taken Christmas 2009 by Kristen Bons

Thing 2 starts preschool on Monday. After 3 ½ years of her glued to my hip on an almost daily basis, I’ve been asked a lot how I feel about this.

Right now I feel like I feel when I’m running, and just trying to make it to a certain predetermined goal before I stop or slow down. I can see my finish line. I usually feel like I’m going to throw up, because I usually push myself too far. I mute my ipod because the music becomes a distraction rather than a motivation. All efforts are put toward moving forward, each step, not stopping, knowing that once I make it, I will be better for it. Stronger. Able to go further or faster the next time.

That’s what I feel like right now. All I can see is the finish line. This race that I have been running for the last three years of trying to be a decent wife, mommy, and homemaker while simultaneously trying to launch a career in online political punditry, with no nanny or daycare.

I wouldn’t trade it, but most days there just aren’t enough hours. It is completely frustrating in one moment, and ultimately joyful in the next. Thank God for a cute husband that doesn’t mind if the laundry doesn’t all get put away, or stopping to pick up dinner on his way home.

Also thank God for Coke Zero, Advil, Clear Eyes, and sauvignon blanc.

And of course, these amazing little girls, who can drive me up the wall but also knock me over with laughter. This morning, I asked Thing 2 where Jesus lived, and she happily told me, “Um, in da Bible!” How cute and sweet is that?

A year or two ago, I took the girls dress shopping with me, and in the fitting room, Thing 1 told me I looked ready for the ball in a blue taffeta dress I was trying on. I bought it and every time I wear it, I feel ready for the ball.

I have a thousand memories like these; they are the moments that have made this achy tiredness worth it. Because right now? Right now I’m tired. I am ready to have some time to do my work with a small amount of peace.

My finish line is 16 whole hours a week to work without my eye twitching from being interrupted 27 times a minute with requests for snacks, announcements of bodily functions, demands for TV and/or junk food and the subsequent tantrums that occur when the answer is no.

I bet you I’ll be able to pack the majority of the 30 or so hours a week I work now into that time.

So on Monday, I will cross the line with a goodbye wave and a kiss to my baby, and I will clutch my side and catch my breath and feel the rush of accomplishment wash over me. I will thank God for my health and (relative) sanity, and I will sit and ponder what goal I shall set for myself next.

Because as hard as that last stretch always is … I do love to cross the finish line.

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Filed Under: Glamlife, God, It's For the Kids, Leif, Life, Marriage, Parenting, Personal · Tagged With: , , ,

When the Power Goes Out: A San Diego Blackout Story

September 9, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my lovely air-conditioned home, doing some research for a story on my shiny MacBook Pro. My kids were either doing homework or playing Polly Pockets, and I was keeping en eye on the clock because Thursday is piano lesson day, and I didn’t want to be late.

Around 4 p.m. there was that pop and a low buzz as every appliance and light bulb in my neighborhood shut down, followed immediately by silence. It happens occasionally (remember rolling black-outs?), so I told the girls to wait a minute to see if the power would come back on.

Nada. My laptop still had power, but with the wifi down, I couldn’t get online. My iphone said I was connected to the 3G network, but it wouldn’t connect to anything. I couldn’t even pull up Twitter or Facebook. It might as well have been the apocalypse, people!

Tried to text, but the service was sluggish. Power outage or not, it was time for piano. Except that the car was in the garage … with an electric garage door opener. There’s a manual failsafe in there for emergencies, but no way was I going to mess with that with two little kids in tow unless absolutely necessary. Piano was out.

Finally got a hold of my husband at work, who informed that power was pretty much down in all of San Diego, and a few other areas in southern California, as well as parts of Arizona and even Mexico. Since it wasn’t looking like the power would be back anytime soon, he shut the office down and hit the road. It took over an hour for him to make the normally 25 minute commute.

Anyway, we all eventually made it home, and I hand washed some dishes and made dinner on our gas stove, while frantically checking my phone for internet connectivity every 4 minutes. I don’t have a disease, I swear. I just like being connected. I can put the Internet away, so long as I know it’s there if I need it.

Once I gave up and tried to enjoy the Amishness of the situation, we had a pretty nice evening. After our candlelit dinner, we took the girlies for a walk to see the stars. I even broke out some glow sticks for them, which they thought were the greatest things ever.

We tucked them into bed together so they wouldn’t be afraid of the dark, and then we played gin rummy and chatted and tried not to sweat in our un-air conditioned home. Eventually we went to bed too, and it’s amazing what kinds of things you can find to do when there’s no laptop or TV to distract a happily married couple…

Overall, I’m glad we had the excuse to take a little break from our electrified life, but I won’t lie. When the house hummed back to life a little after midnight, I shed a little tear of happiness. And then I said hi to Twitter.

And all was right in the my world.

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Filed Under: Energy, Life, Marriage, Parenting, Personal · Tagged With: , ,

Top 7 for the Week of September 2, 2011

September 2, 2011 by Leave a Comment

This week, Ashley and I talk about:

  1. College Football & American Craft Beer
  2. Obama’s Jobs Speech vs. GOP Debate
  3. Jobs vs. Bugs
  4. The Taxpayer Funded Strip Club
  5. Policing the Chicago Police
  6. Rapists Getting Paid by Taxpayers to Babysit
  7. The Texas Sonogram Law

Plus we have a rant, a dirty joke from Eli, and an awesome Dude of the Week!

Happy Listening!

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Filed Under: Abortion, Common Sense, It's For the Kids, Just for Fun, Law Enforcement, Obama, Parenting, Politicians, Red vs. Blue, Taxes, Top 7 with Jenny & Ashley, Welfare · Tagged With: , ,

Raising Children of Faith

August 30, 2011 by Leave a Comment

So I was reading this article over on The Stir, which talked about letting your children explore other religions to find out what “works” for them. Oh, and they’ll respect you more. After all, religion is all about feeling connected to something, right? Be it God, Mother Earth, ourselves, the collective one-ness of souls … religion to many people is an experience.

This snippet pretty much sums it up:

The important thing to me is that she builds a genuine relationship with God, not that she gets “churched,” which means mastering all of the habits and traditions — including being able to recite scripture back and forth — but never really connecting with the Lord. That would be missing the whole point.

How does one love a stranger? If some guy you were moderately attracted to asked you to marry him on the first date, would you say yes? Well maybe, but the chances of it working out would be slim. You have to get to know someone before you commit your life to him.

It is no different with the Lord. It is so much more important that my children get “churched” about God than “spiritually connected” to some nameless faceless universal power. It is only after learning about the one true God, His endless love, His ultimate sacrifice on the cross to wipe out our sins, can my children even begin to love God.

When you study the Word, and you understand the depth of your depravity, and begin to realize that there is a Father in Heaven that created you, sent His Son to cover your undeserving hiney, and left his Holy Spirit to guide and comfort you … that is when you can begin to love God.

Love has to come with knowledge; otherwise it is just a feeling.

So while my children are young, I will equip them with knowledge of the Lord. They don’t have to love God, but by golly, they will learn His Word. They will learn of his redemptive plan for His people. They will learn about their adoption into His family.

They will learn it because God has instructed me to teach them. And what is so wrong with learning Bible verses anyway? One doesn’t have to be Jewish or Christian to look at the 10 Commandments and think they’re a pretty good set of rules.

One of the first verses Thing 1 learned was 2 Timothy 3:16-17:

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.

Learning scripture isn’t a bad thing!

I will ALWAYS love my children, even if they break my heart by denying the Savior. It is because I love them that I “church” them. I believe that decisions made without knowledge only end up being correct on a fluke, so I will equip my daughters with every bit of Jesus-knowledge I can cram into their brains, so that someday when they’re grown, they can make their own real decision about where to put their faith, hope, and trust.

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Filed Under: Parenting, Personal, Religion · Tagged With: , ,
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