“White Independence Day?” Shut Your Mouth.

Can’t the Fourth of July be the one day that we Americans can put aside our differences and just celebrate being American? We can go our partisan ways on the fifth, but come on, put away your squabbles and enjoy the hotdogs and fireworks, ok people?

But nooooo, Chris Rock and some other numbskulls had to take to twitter to say that America sucks, slavery once existed here, blah, blah, blah, genocide. Seriously on that last one. When, exactly, has America practiced genocide? Never, that’s when.

For everyone that thinks America sucks, why don’t you leave? Nothing’s stopping you. You could go to China, where they routinely strap pregnant women down and abort their third-trimester fetuses due to their insane one-child policy.

I hear Cuba is lovely this time of year. Good thing, because you won’t be watching TV. State police in Cuba will climb onto your roof to remove your satellite dish, because it’s illegal to pick up uncensored media from abroad.

Saudi Arabia might take you, but if you’re a woman, make sure you bring your husband, brother, or father with you, because outside of them, you have no rights. You can’t even drive a car.

Many of the countries in Africa practice female genital mutilation, mostly on little girls. 92 million girls in Africa ten years old and up have had their lady bits hacked at with a knife, with no anesthesia. Now that’s a real war on women.

But none of those atrocities could possibly compare with evil, racist America! Whatever. When America was founded, slavery was a worldwide accepted and ancient practice, and we led the western world in abolishing it within three generations. That’s something to be proud of, not ashamed.

America is awesome. It’s why people want to come here. It’s the best place to work, live, and play. Our cancer survival rates are higher than any other country. We have more toys, more rights, and more opportunities to excel than anywhere else. To say otherwise is a mistruth that dishonors the men and women that fought, and still fight today, for your freedom to say idiotic things.

So shut your mouth, grab a beer and thank whomever it is you praise that you don’t live in Yemen, because alcohol is prohibited there.

Thanksgiving!

Last year, I wrote a series of articles thanking the Pilgrims. Seriously you guys, those people were hardcore. They braved so many dangers just for the hope of giving their kids a better way of life. So this year, when you’re going around the table with everyone saying what they’re thankful for, please remember the people that started it all.

Thank You, Pilgrims, for Religious Freedom, for Democracy, and for Prosperity.

And if you want to get silly and listen to a real-live interview with a Pilgrim and a traveling cell phone, listen in here with special guest Jimmie Bise.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I Totally Missed Christmas Last Year

No really, I did. We got the decorations up, the kids got gifts, we made the rounds to all the various relatives within driving distance … but I missed Christmas. I remember sometime in late February or early March, sitting down to catch my breath, and thinking to myself, “Ok, I’m ready for Christmas now!”

I’m not sure what it was, other than having a two-year-old at home with me, being the Class Mom for the second-grader (and all the scholastic frivolity that includes during the holiday season), and picking up several extra posts over at The Stir because so many of their more regular writers were on vacation … Oh, and coordinating the Christmas Tea Party for the ladies in my church.

I was kinda slammed last December.

This year, I’m determined to enjoy every gosh dern second of the magical holiday season. I think I’ll even take a class on wreath making. Because when would that skill not come in handy? Wreath making is a trade, people! It employs elves at the North Pole almost year round.

It’s only October, yet I’m already kindling my Christmas Mojo. The day after Thanksgiving, I’ll put some Bing Crosby holiday music on, pull out the decorations, make hot cocoa for the girls, and go to town decorating our plastic tree because we can’t have a real one since Leif is allergic to everything that grows.

But before Christmas is Thanksgiving, and before that is Halloween, and a certain eight-year-old of mine wants to be Dani Phantom. Of course she does. And that was only her second choice; her first was to be an actual ghost. Nope, not dress up like one, but actually be one.

I love that kid. I love her so much that I’ll make her a dang Dani Phantom costume. Because I love that she wants to be a kick-butt ghostly crime fighter. Maybe I’ll teach her how to make wreaths this December. She’s going to have mad job skyllz by the time I’m done raising her.

Any suggestions for how I can make her glow?

Elsewhere on the Internet

I tapped some keys last week. Some words were strung together. You should go read it all because its like totally thought-provoking and schtuff. And also because page views make me feel good about myself, and as a child of the 80s, I know that’s way more important than math or reading skills.

Some of the comments on my Obamacare Spies piece are so ripe with naiveté that I don’t wonder how Nancy Pelosi gets reelected. Maybe basic comprehension skills are more important than self-esteem after all. Oh well.

Also on Obamacare, I wrote about how the individual mandate bullies Americans into buying health insurance. I used the Obama admin’s own guidelines for recognizing bullies to prove my point. I love hoisting people on their own petards. I hate the words hoist and petard. I promise not to use them again. At least not with cringing.

Remember a few weeks ago when ATMs destroyed the economy? Well last week it was corporate fat cats and their private jets. Pick a scape goat and stick to it, Mr. President.

And then there was that study that suggested Republicans are more patriotic than Democrats. Uh … duh. Democrats need to abandon the Harry Reids of their party and get back to pride in their country. It’s a rockin’ place to live, work, and play.

Hero Day: A Memorial Day Post by Leif

The following post is by my husband Leif. He’s sorta awesome.

I woke up today thoughtful of the brave men and women that have given the ultimate sacrifice – their lives – to protect what they had left behind.

Today we celebrate Memorial Day, but it should be called Hero Day.

It’s not just that our soldiers have given their lives in the line of duty, but what they gave them for. Wars of history mostly have been wars of conquest. Wars have generally been fought for two reasons: Land or religion.

With little exception, the United States has fought other nations for an entirely different reason. The U.S. doesn’t fight to gain land, or to spread a particular religion; we fight for an idea.

We fight for freedom.

In the Civil War, we fought for the freedom of all men.

In WWI, we fought to protect our allies (and therefore ourselves) against Imperialism.

Korea. Vietnam. Kosovo. Afghanistan. Iraq. Freedom.

Today I lift a glass and toast the sailor, the soldier, the airman, and the marine. I say thank you to them, even though it doesn’t adequately convey my gratitude. They are my heroes. Their sacrifices were not in vain, but bravely faced so that I may enjoy and share the freedoms that my creator gave me.

Leprechaun in Mobile, Alabama

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

I can’t resist sharing this video. It is guaranteed to make you laugh. Unless you have no sense of humor. Or are scarred by leprechauns or something. In either case, I can’t help you.

School Disciplines Students for Handing Out Candy Canes

The latest weapon to banned at one Virginia high school is particularly onerous: Candy canes. Those curved pepperminty sugar sticks were passed out before school by the “Christmas Sweater Club” at Battlefield High School this holiday season in an effort to spread Christmas cheer.

Silly kids. Don’t they know the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear? Maybe they’ve never seen Elf. Or maybe singing Christmas carols was banned at their school.

Regardless of the best method for injecting the Christmas spirit into a group of moody teenagers, the “Christmas Sweater Club” was reprimanded by school officials and given detention in the form of two hours of cleaning. I guess with all the budget cuts to education, the school had to let its janitorial staff go.

Read the rest at The Stir

Political Correctness Robs Christmas of Joy

What’s with all the Christmas hate? Everywhere I look, Christmas is destroying corporate America, or getting banned, or being mocked by American Atheists. Heck, even Christmas carols are now offensive — quick! Cover your children’s ears before they hear “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer!” They might never recover from the emotional damage!

Political correctness is robbing the joy right out of the season. School children are banned from celebrating Christmas, and their teachers are instructed not to use red or green in their classrooms. Not even Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is safe from the PC police. Christmas trees? Can’t have those in public. Merry Bleeping Christmas!

Why must celebrators of Christmas downplay their holiday cheer so as not to offend anyone, yet we’re told that we must be tolerant to other cultural practices? As a Christian, I’m not offended by menorahs or Kwanzaa. I’m not even offended by those that celebrate a Santa-Christmas instead of a Jesus-Christmas.

Read the rest at The Stir

A Thing 1 Christmas Story From the Archives

Thing 1′s preschool put on a Christmas program for family and friends on the night of December 1, 2006.  This is an account of that performance. She was three at the time.

6:30pm: Thing 1 and her family, including Mommy, Daddy, Gramma and Papa arrive at the location.

6:35pm: Thing 1 is whisked away “backstage” to prepare to dazzle her audience as the angel in the nativity scene.  Meanwhile, her family obtains fantastic seats in the second row.

6:40pm: Parents and other relatives, friends, well wishers, etc fill the seats.  People are crammed in the pews, standing in the back, up in the balcony…. this is a very full house!

7pm: 30 or so 2, 3 and 4 year olds march onto the stage.  In the center, surrounding a manger filled with straw, are Mary and Joseph (2 other kids in her class), 2 little boys playing shepards, and Thing 1 the angel.

7:05pm: The ooohhhhing and aaaahhhhing finally dies down.

7:06pm: Most of the kids break into a Christmas carol.  Joseph ditches Mary and goes to hug the angel.  Hmmm… I don’t remember this part of the story….

7:07pm: Thing 1 obviously tries to play her role straight, because she pushes Joseph away.  Joseph then pushes her too.  So, of course, she had to push a little harder so he’d get the idea.

7:07pm:  Joseph is knocked to the ground.

7:08pm:  Joseph is just fine, gets back up, and comes over to the manger with Thing 1.  That straw doesn’t look like it should be in there, so Joseph and the angel proceed to pull it out of there as Mary is trying to place the baby doll Jesus in it as the other kids sing “Away in a Manger.”

7:10pm: Thing 1 remembers she has pretend wings on, so she grabs them and flaps them, and twirls around the stage, “flying”.  Joseph chases her.

7:11pm: A teacher comes on stage, removes the angel’s wings, and pulls the nativity kids back into line with the rest of the singing kids.

7:12-7:20pm: A few more kids, dressed as things like a Christmas tree, a star, or the letters S-A-V-I-O-R come to center stage while more songs are sung.  Thing 1, however, manages to still steal the show by spending this time lifting her dress over head (showing off some gorgeous cartoon-covered panties to the 200 some people in the audience), jumping up and down, and spinning in circles-yes, all at the same time.

7:21pm: The prinicpal announces that the children will now join their families in the audience to view a picture slide show of their year so far.  Thing 1′s mommy and daddy turn beet red as she screams toward them and everyone figures out who the parents of that deranged child are.

A certain phrase comes to mind about trees and apples.

Merry Christmas!

‘Naughty’ Santa Fired from Macy’s

After twenty years of playing jolly old St. Nick at a Macy’s in San Francisco, John Toomey was canned last weekend after making some inappropriate comments. As a parent, I can’t even imagine the sickening feeling of witnessing a childhood hero violate my children’s innocence by speaking to them inappropriately.

Except that’s not what happened.

The joke has been in his Santa bag for decades. But after thousands of tellings, the 68-year-old retired caretaker for the elderly finally hit the wrong recipients – apparently an older woman and her husband, who considered it inappropriate.

Toomey – who stays in Oroville most summers and winters in San Francisco while he does the kiddie-on-the-knee gig – said he’d never had complaints before about the joke, which he saves for the occasional grown-up who visits him.

“When I ask the older people who sit on my lap if they’ve been good and they say, ‘Yes,’ I say, ‘Gee, that’s too bad,’ ” Toomey said Monday.

“Then, if they ask why Santa is so jolly, I joke that it’s because I know where all the naughty boys and girls live.”

The kids who sit on his lap, he said, get only his trademark laugh and questions about what toys they want.

The kind of grown up with a sense of humor enough to pay a visit to Santa should be able to appreciate the adult jokes. No, they’re not appropriate for children, but there’s a bigger difference between adults and kids than size alone. If people can’t tell the difference between grown-ups and kiddos…well that’s just sad. And an indication of San Francisco’s nanny state mentality that regard all adults as children, incapable of making their own decisions — like whether or not to buy happy meals.