10 Years, 9 Months, 12 Days, and 2 Kids Later …

I filed for divorce.

So there’s that.

This decision was arrived at neither casually nor mutually. While Leif would be quite content to stay married forever, I am not, for reasons I do not feel the need to discuss at this time.

I know the question you want answered: What happened? Sorry to disappoint you, but nothing happened. We could blame the fact that we got married too young or too fast, or had kids too soon, or worked too many long hours, but the fact of the matter is that lots of relationships include those variables and turn out just fine in the end.

There is no one moment in time a person can pinpoint and say, “Aha! That’s when it all started to fall apart!” You don’t just wake up one day and say to yourself, “You know, I think I’ll file for divorce today. For kicks and giggles.”

Divorce is tragic. It rips families apart. It leaves emotional scar tissue in its wake. God hates it. It is never to be taken lightly. It is an option of last resort. Well, except for murder, but that’s illegal and I hate blood, and oh yeah, it’s evil and I hope I never hate anyone enough to even entertain that idea.

I know there are questions, so I’ve done my best to preemptively answer some of them below. Because I’m a blogger and I like to share.

FAQ

Q: How can this happen when you guys seemed so happy?

A: Once upon a time we were happy. Not every couple’s story ends with a “happily ever after.” Once you start to realize you aren’t happy, there’s a very long period of time spent in denial. I am happy, dammit! Things are just rocky right now, slowly transforms into, ok, I’m a wee bit miserable, but I’ll be happy again soon.

This doesn’t happen over weeks or months, but years. Then you start to question your sanity, because there are some good times sprinkled here or there that glimmer of hope that things are changing and the heat wave will break and beautiful flowers will bloom on the morrow.

If you’re a blogger, you share the good times and only occasionally the bad, and you hold fast to the belief that things will get better. Behind the scenes, you hope and you pray and you beg and you try everything to make it work. You yell and you cry and you apologize and try to ignore the fact that there’s been no real resolution.

You remember how happy you were to walk down the aisle and say, “I do,” and promise your heart to another. You hold onto those memories with a vice-like grip. You look at your children, little human beings that you made together, and think things can’t be so bad, because look at this amazing goodness that came from your union. It will get better, right?

In other words, denial is a powerful thing, and not everything is as it seems.

Q: What about the girls?

A: They are bright and wonderful children who are very loved by two devoted parents. With some counseling and time to grieve and adjust, they will be just fine.

Q: How can you call yourself a Christian?

A: If you call yourself a Christian, you have no business asking that, you hypocrite. If you don’t, then the only answer I have is that I believe in the saving grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and that my soul was bought at the price of His blood shed on the cross. That doesn’t change with my marital status.

Q: Have you thought this through?

A: Gosh, no I didn’t! I didn’t think at all about how much this will hurt our friends and loved ones, how it might affect my daughters’ romantic relationships later in life, the grief of our happily married parents, the awkward social situations that are bound to arise, the inevitable financial strain …

Q: Do you know how hard life is as a single parent?

A: Probably not. I didn’t know how hard motherhood was going to be either. No one can fully anticipate what trials the future holds. One day at a time, baby.

Q: Is there any chance you guys could work it out?

A: It’s unlikely, but I have agreed to hold off on definitively answering that question or finalizing anything until some of these festering emotional wounds have had a bit of time and space to heal.

Regardless, I believe that ultimately all things work together for God’s glory, even the nasty bits. So even if we don’t work out, I know everything will work out in the end exactly as it’s meant to be.

Q: Are you still living together?

A: No. (Please see previous Q&A and note the ‘time and space’ contingent.)

Q: Where are the girls?

A: They’re living with me, and Leif has visitation. We’re working on figuring things out. It’s been all of less than three weeks since the fit hit the shan, so we obviously don’t have an ironed-out schedule at this point. So far we’ve been making sure that they know when they will be seeing the other parent next, because apparently stability is important.

Q: Is this why you’ve been so quiet on the blog front this past year?

A: Basically. My life has been consumed with getting through my days, aching at not being able to get through to my husband, questioning my grip on reality, questioning our history, and questioning God. And tears — lots and lots of tears.

In other words, it’s hard to think up something to share with y’all when all I wanted to write was, “Sooooo … my life is falling apart around me and the scotch tape I’ve always used to hold it together doesn’t seem to be cutting it anymore…”

Q: What can I do for you?

A: Please be respectful. Don’t assume anything. No one knows what goes on inside a relationship except the people in that relationship, and even then it occasionally often gets convoluted.

Pray for us. Don’t take sides. Don’t pray for reconciliation and don’t pray for divorce. Pray that God’s will be done — no matter what the outcome. Because guess what? It will be done. God is kinda almighty like that. So I guess … please pray that grace be plentiful all around as we wade through this crap.

And of course, the most important thing is our children. Hearing negative things about either of their parents will not benefit them in any way, shape, or form, and as my great grandma always said, “Little pitchers have big ears.” So if you have something negative to say about either one of us, I kindly ask you to take a deep breath and remember that there are children involved.

Comments

  1. @commish_rwrffl says:

    Sorry for you, Leif and the girls. Strength and healing to you.

    • WOW!! I would like to first say that I am sorry for what you and your family are facing. My wife and I have been together for 18+ years and together we have 4 girls and 1 boy. Everything you said was so true and I admire the guts it took for you to come to such a hard decision. Its difficult to leave someone when you realize that your lives have just grown in different directions. It seems that had he been abusive or adulterous things would make more sense to everyone and make it easier to walk away. You probably am like I, I still love my wife but neither of us are IN love anymore. I thank you for sharing such a sensitive personal issue and I pray for you , your husband, and your children as you go through this transition. You have more guts than I and many others, kudos to you and I hope your hubby someday understands where you are.

    • I never knew people still have powers and make things happened. My husband left me for another woman three months ago and ever since then my life have been filled with pains sorrow and heart break because he was my first love whom i have spent my entire life with. A friend of mine told me he saw some testimonies of a spell caster called Dr marvin of (marvinlovespell011@gmail.com) that he can bring back lover within some few days, i laugh it out and said i am not interested but because of the love my friend had for me, she consulted the great priest on my behalf and to my greatest surprise after 2 days my husband called me for the very first time after three months that he is missing me and that he is so sorry for every thing he made me went through.He came back to me and now we are happy together. I still can’t believe it, because it highly unbelievable. Thank you Dr marvin for bringing back my lover and also to my lovely friend who interceded on my behalf, for any one who might need the help of this great priest here is the email address: MARVINLOVESPELL011@GMAIL.COM or you can call and him on +2349059897314

  2. Steve G. says:

    I went through a divorce many years ago and yes most everyone said “I thought you two were so happy”.
    I truth my ex was very physically abusive to the point I actually feared for my life. Her mental state was such I really believed she might stab me to death in my sleep.
    My point is simple:”Never underestimate a person’s private hell”.

  3. John Doe says:

    Oh, so you aren’t “haaaaaAAAAAaAAAPPpppy”…well then, God said it is ok to divorce your husband so long as you are unhappy! You. Stupid. Cannot. Undo. Not. This.

    And just think what message you are sending to the girls. Get married, have kids, then divorce when you are “not haaaaaaappy”… Nowhere, NO WHERE does it say “until unhappiness do us part”. That is you rationalizing what you are doing.

    • Anonymous says:

      “Destroy the family, you destroy the country.” –Vladimir Lenin

      “I do… until I don’t feel like it, despite what I wrote about for years.” Thank for doing your part, comrade!

  4. We cover our excuses with words and false reasons that appear to appeal to our peers, but at the root of all divorce is a very true but ugly word. “Selfishness” True joy never sprang from selfishness. “Love Him” is not a request or a comment, it is an action verb. Love Him and Serve Him, and I promise the love and happiness will return. We love whom we serve, so LOVE HIM… Best advice I ever gave. cheers

  5. I hope this works out fr you, but its likely your kids will not be “just fine.” Sorry.

  6. Ms. Erikson,

    You and your family are in pain; I do pray for each of you.

    My purpose is not to preach at you; I accept that you have made a series of most difficult decisions, and are not in a place to hear pleas or sermons from others about those life choices. Rather, I have a request that you reconsider an admonition you have given to your readers.

    I accept at face value your statement that: “I believe in the saving grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and that my soul was bought at the price of His blood shed on the cross.” Your words are an affirmation of the essence of Christ’s purpose in coming to earth: reconciliation. This being the case, I humbly ask that you reconsider “Don’t pray for reconciliation . . . “.

    You correctly ask, it seems, that folk not, “… pray for divorce.” Yes, as you note, God does hate divorce. But, “don’t pray for reconciliation”?

    Jenny, in what other circumstance, for whatever reason, and for what other person(s), would you ever counsel folk to refrain or actively avoid a prayer for godly reconciliation? (It is unfathomable that you would not desire prayers for reconciliation even for the restoration of godly parents it would afford in the lives of your children.) Nothing mirrors God redemptive love more than reconciliation between persons here on earth, even when, as with Christ, the cost of that reconciliation must be paid solely by only one of the parties. Even if you stand opposed to, and will not adjure God to bring about, godly reconciliation, please reconsider an imperative to others that they stand with you.

    For your sake, as well as for the sakes of Leif and your beautiful children, I must reject your call to forsake God’s ever-reconciling love and purpose.

    Thank you for taking the time to consider this request.

    John

    • Jennifer Waite says:

      I believe she prayed for God’s will. If you’re so convinced what she’s doing against it, then what difference does it make?

      • Christian women love little more than coming up with endless excuses why divorce is required because one of their silly sisters decides that she wants greater thrills in life.

        The blogstress here wants to be evasive about her real reasons, and she said nothing “happened”, so this only leaves the fact that she wants to return to the thrill of dating and mating.

      • Scripture is pretty clear – God hates divorce. If she “prayed for God’s will” and heard “divorce” as a response, it’s pretty clear the response wasn’t a message from God.

  7. Bill Crawford says:

    Hi Jenny,

    Nancy (Crawford) Mallon’s dad here. Praying for you.

    Bill

  8. Have fun going to night clubs.

    Here’s a guess – you were promiscuous either physically or emotionally prior to marriage, and you have never been willing to use the power of the Lord to put that down.

    So, you are off to scratch the itch one more time, or possibly for the first time, if you were merely emotionally promiscuous.

    There will be a period where you feel free, and the thrill of man-hunting will occupy you for a while.

    But there is only loneliness and devastation waiting at the end of such a sinful course of action.

    You are a spiritually very ill person and I pray that your husband and children heal from these wounds.

    You’re a betrayer, kind of like Judas. I’m sure he had his reasons, and I’m sure if the internet existed in Christ’s time, Judas would have a drama-filled blog full of rationalizations why he had to “follow his heart” and betray Christ.

    God>Christ>Husband>Wife.

    You’re a betrayer.

  9. LOL!

    Yes, the girls will be just fine.

    Somehow I don’t believe it, but I’m sure you do and that’s all that matters isn’t it?

  10. LOL. This is just hilarious. Seriously Mrs. Erikson, where exactly in the Bible is divorce allowed when “nothing happened”?

  11. Been married for 37 years. Most of them sexless and miserable trying to live with a very selfish wife. It’s finally just now that I’m considering divorce. It’s not a decision I’ve taken lightly. My kids are grown so I’ve paid my dues and been the good christian husband in providing for my wife and children.

    Jenny, I just can’t understand the selfishness and impulsiveness that must drive you. You seem to be flittering here and there with no common sense and no stable sense of duty, trustworthiness, self-sacrifice, etc.

    The only time I’ve seen this in the past is where a new man has entered the picture. Maybe there’s no sex but there’s plenty of fire with this new person. We can only speculate as you haven’t be forthcoming but the percentages say it’s true so I will proceed under that assumption.

    If that’s the case you must be saying to yourself ” The only way to possibly get with this man is to quickly divorce, let a little time go by then get with him. At least that way I can still have a little credibility and notoriety.”

    It’s obvious that you are in rebellion. You won’t listen to your husband, pastor and church. It sounds like you’re making flippant decisions which should only be made with a lot of Godly Counsel and after years of careful consideration.

    Who have you surrounded yourself with? What Godly friend could support your decision? Are you doing this all on your own? Are there other Christians who support you? What kind of family or friends do you have? For me if I’m in danger of being deluded and not walking on God’s path my friends will a least stand up to me and rebuke me to my face. They would (and have on occasion) confront and tell me to my face that I was in sin and rebellion to God based on his Word. Are your friends telling you that? Is your family telling you that? Isn’t there anybody you respect telling you that? Are you all on your own????

    You are at least greatly damaging your children? Are you so deluded as to not see that? Are you ignorant? Haven’t you not seen the numbers? The poverty, the emotional devastation, the higher incidence of drug use, of teen pregnacy, of promiscuity, etc. for children of single parents.

    Whatever, I’ve at least tried to make my point.

  12. Junkyard Dawg says:

    The only good thing I can think of to say about this entire blog post is its author’s decision (so far at least) to let these comments stand, without deleting them. The comments from those who disagree with her divorce, and with the reasons for her decision to divorce, are good counsel!

  13. I am not sure if my previous post got eaten (NoScript was turned on) or moderated, but here it goes again:

    My mother and father got along fairly well after their divorce, but I still have to deal with things even today, more than a decade after he died. No “getting over it” while you are lives. Your daughters will pay for your choice the rest of their lives. That really sucks in my view.

    Hope your reason makes their suffering worthwhile. And my mother and father had more problems than you seem to note here.

  14. Another classical case in which the woman gets bored and quits marriage. Again, initiated by the woman. Actually, Leif got quite lucky that she did not claim domestic abuse or something similar.

    I shall work, the next few weeks, to get this women registered in as many ways possible, in every media as dangerous person, so other men may be aware of not dating or marrying her.

  15. You are the definition of what worthless whores American women have become. Selfish, immature, conceited, narcissistic…oh, did I forget selfish?

  16. PreacherOfRighteousness says:

    This harlot’s actions are occurring on a mass scale throughout our nation. I don’t know this woman personally, but I’ll bet anything she’s a fan of Joel Osteen or a similar prosperity preacher. It’s your best life now, baby!

    How much longer do you suppose the Lord will put up with this ugly, sick, reprobate nation?

  17. Here’s one from The Stir that you also post on so much:

    “Divorce Is Not ‘Easier’ Than a Good Marriage,” by Shasha Brown-Worsham, The Stir, 20 Jul 2012
    http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/140721/divorce_is_not_easier_than

    Did you happen to miss this one?

  18. OneOfMany says:

    What a selfish, narcissistic c*nt, destroys a viable marriage and the future of 2 children for … nothing?

    You’re gonna notice when you hit the wall and the dicks who humor your crap run out.

    How would I know about you when I don’t even live in the same country? Well, my mother was like that.

  19. Sorry but you are most definetly in delusion.

    Selfishness and ‘hamster rationalization’ is literally dripping off the words you write.

    As for your ridiculous fallacy that your fellow christians ‘dare not judge you’. you are completely in the wrong. the church is not supposed to judge the secular world. that is reserved for God. Christians are supposed to hold each other accountable as per 1 Cor 6!

    not to mention that the ONLY legitamate reason in Bible is infidelity. You are clearly 110% in the wrong in essentially every word you tell yourself and believe. humble yourself and repent.

    if you do not, you will likely be doing your husband a favour rather that making him deal with as rebellious, selfish and spiteful woman as yourself.

    Not to mention if you are post 30 your chances of finding a man willing to support you, 2 kids that arent his, and deal with your baggage (and quickly fading looks, presumably) are essentially zero.

    this is rediculous. I will not be returning to your blog.

  20. The next guy you try to marry will probably google your name. Then he won’t marry you. I’m surprised noones mentioned that.

    may god have mercy on your soul.

  21. My Name is John ..I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i contact this man called Dr.Zuma this man is really powerful..My wife divorce me with no reason for almost 4 years and i tried all i could to have her back cos i really love her so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early age at the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with no kid and she woke up one morning and she told me she’s going on a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when she came back from work she tender to me a divorce letter and she packed all her loads from my house..i ran mad and i tried all i could to have her back but all did not work out..i was lonely for almost 4 years…So when i told the spell caster what happened he said he will help me and he asked for her full name and her picture..i gave him that..At first i was skeptical but i gave it a try cos have tried so many spell casters and there is no solution…so when he finished with the readings,he got back to me that she’s with a man and that man is the reason why she left me…The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring her back.but i never believe all this…he told me i will see a positive result within 3 days..3 days later,she called me herself and came to me apologizing and she told me she will come back to me..I cant believe this,it was like a dream cos i never believe this will work out after trying many spell casters and there is no solution..The spell caster is so powerful and after that he helped me with a pregnancy spell and my wife got pregnant a month later..we are now happy been together again and with lovely kid..This spell caster has really changed my life and i will forever thankful to him..he has helped many friends too with similar problem too and they are happy and thankful to him..This man is indeed the most powerful spell caster have ever experienced in life..Am Posting this to the Forum in case there is anyone who has similar problem and still looking for a way out..you can reach him here: spiritualherbalisthealers@gmail.com

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